Help Wanted

One of the menu of options on my blogger dashboard is "Known Issues."

Known issues.

I was in a conversation yesterday about relationships, comparing notes on typical scenarios couples face. Misunderstandings, overreactions, and accusations based on personal insecurities. It seems we all have something in common - men and women alike - we don't like anyone getting too close to our "issues."

It's been brought to my attention that perhaps men are taught to hide or conceal their problems. A boy being taught it's embarrassing to cry in public, or being told to "tough it out" - both can grow up into some emotional insecurity, when not paired with appropriate outlets for that bottled emotion. I can understand the concept - it's the whole not wanting to ask anyone for directions situation. Admitting you got lost, you were wrong, you are hurting...these are the topics of many a sitcom, making light of what we all know to be true about men, in some form.

Women? We don't have ALL of those hang-ups. Certainly, we don't all like crying in public. But the problem isn't usually bottling emotion. It's just controlling who it spills out on. I, for one, am baffled at how to do this - I recently burst into tears while cooking a meal for my significant other. Tears. And lashed out a little harshly with my words, as well. I snapped. I had NO idea I felt so intensely about the culinary arts.

Obviously, it wasn't about my cooking. Upon careful inspection, I discovered that - wonder of wonders - I am afraid I will be a bad wife to a future husband if I can't feed him, and that letting my inexperience expose itself in a recipe gone wrong would spoil whatever "happy housewife" image my beau has in his mind.

Problem: There is no such image in his mind. We've talked it over since then, and really - my housewifability (?) is not on his list of attractive character traits. My cooking wasn't part of some try-out. The issue was me, and my trying to be what I thought he wanted. Instead of helping, it actually dented our relationship.

So now we know - we have a known issue on our hands. I freak out sometimes when I miss my own mark. I need to work on...well, not working so hard. Perhaps fancy cooking will never be one of my abilities. Good thing he likes mac & cheese almost as much as he likes me.

There is such beauty in relating the way God does with us. Romans 5:8 says that he shows his love for us in that "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Even with our known issues, we were worthy of this kind of extravagant love. And since we're to look at Christ for our example - especially on how to love - we have take the evidence of one another's issues as the prime time to press in. We hide because we're afraid - of being naked, or being bad chefs...and what draws us out is the sinking in of a real love. Something solid that doesn't shy away from our apparent inability to keep it together. I want to be loved that way. And I want that to be the way I love, too.

Since we do live in and among fallen people, it takes a serious shift in practice to get to that point. To have your reaction to someone else's issues be to press in, rather than to pull back - this will take some doing. Worth a try, though.

Clever.

A poem.


The Leader

Head like a big
watermelon,
frequently thumped
and still not ripe.

-Wendell Berry, from Given