I have decided.

I have spent most of this day in my room, watching the storm outside. A snow storm - just tons of white everywhere. It's coming down consistently, and they say we'll have feet by the time it's over. My brother has been outside to shovel the driveway about 6 times today.

It really is strange how long we can go without
thinking about the fact that we are at the mercy of a huge system of weather on this planet. There's always stuff going on - BIG stuff - tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes...but I spend most of my life in places unaffected by those. I can get in my car, get where I am going, and not worry about whether my house will be there when I get home.

Safely distant. Except for this time of year upstate New York. Snow, baby. We've got snow.

Two of my students were victims of Hurricane Katrina. They moved here to live with family after they lost everything. There are five of them, I think, who are attending our school, all cousins and siblings, blending in until I ask for a creative writing on a topic of their choice, and they choose "Life Before Hurricane Katrina" as a heading. I almost lost my train of thought when giving instructions on a journal entry assignment for our Diary of Anne Frank unit, called "What Would You Pack?" I wanted the kids to think about what it would be like to have to leave your home and your possessions behind, not knowing if you'd ever be able to return, and what you would decide to take with you in one shoulder bag - just like Anne Frank, when she went into hiding with her family. Halfway through my explanation, I glanced over and caught the look on one boy's face - and suddenly I stopped, remembering that he probably does know what that's like. He's living here, because he can't go back to his home in New Orleans.

Ironically, I know what I would pack. It's pretty much the contents of my trashed old Timbuk2 bag at any given moment. Bible, journal, pens, paper, a few books, some money, and Burt's Beeswax Lip Balm. Just in case.

Holding loosely to our plans and our possessions is not natural for our modernized selves. But I think it is possible. And it is what God desires of us. If I find I'm obsessed with my finances, it's time to start giving more. If I find I'm consumed with getting the latest, hottest, must-have toys, I need to put my face in all the stuff I've already got, and then purge or pass on some of it. And if my schedule is spiraling out of control to the point where I am up nights worrying about how it will all get done in time, I need to stop. Just stop.

" 'Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.' " - Jesus in Matthew 6:19-21

" 'Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat and what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father fees them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these...Therefore do not worry...For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.' " - Jesus in Matthew 6:25-34

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit'; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.' " - James 4:13-17

I don't suppose I'll ever really get the idea. I just got a new phone that plays mp3's, and I just placed an order for a new Timbuk2 bag and some clothes. I spent part of my morning pouring over my finances, and decided to give a sweater that I never wear to my sister. My Valentine's Day plans got stalled on account of this weather - and now all I can do is wait and be reminded that I am not in control of any of this. My finances, my stuff, my plans, this weather, this world - today, tomorrow, or any day. It's not up to me. It's not - ANY of it - mine.

What does Jesus want that I've got? What have I got that Jesus wants? What is he waiting for me to realize is his to begin with? What have I been calling mine that's his? Is there anything I've been leaning so hard on, resting so much of my heart and time and energy in, that he may well strip me of so I'll realize it wasn't strong enough to hold me? Will I let him show me before it comes to that? Will I willingly reposition myself to be boasting in him, resting myself in him, trusting in him, relying on him?