23 days later

Between muscle spasms, I bring an update on my accident and recovery.

It was several days before I realized the extent of my injuries - I seemed mostly in one piece, and just figured it would take a few days for the aching to subside. I actually went back to work for two days, but by halfway through the second shift I knew something was really wrong with my back. I was getting increasing pain in my neck, tenderness in my lower back, and this weird biting-pinching thing in the middle. It felt like I would break in half if I lifted anything else. So I saw my doctor (6 days after the accident) and she diagnosed me with "severe whiplash" and handed me 5 prescription papers:

1) vicodin - it's generic substitute, for pain
2) flexeril - again with the substitute, a muscle relaxant
3) an order not to lift anything over 10 pounds for several weeks
4) an order to see a chiropractor and/or
5) an order to see a massage therapist

So, I got the drugs, told my work they shouldn't plan on seeing me for a while, and stopped everything. It's been over two weeks on these meds now, and I've been seeing a chiropractor who says I shouldn't plan on going back to work any time soon. I'm officially on disability now.

Basically, I pass the days at my parent's house, sleeping a lot and trying to remember when I took my last dose of what. I am on a regimen of ice/heat/ice for my entire back - which is still a bit swollen, still spasming, and cracking whenever I move. My chiropractor says I just have to be patient, because unlike a fracture which is healed in six weeks, I have soft muscle tissue damage throughout my back - and it will just take time, and holding still, to heal. I can be on my feet/sitting up for only a few hours a day, and then I'm done.

It's a little like being old, I think. I am totally reliant on people to help me do everything - I can't drive, can't lift anything, and shouldn't be doing a lot of bending over. So, for example, when I drop something (which happens a lot, actually, with these muscle relaxants in me) I have to stand there and go, "Uh...Mom...could you get that for me?" My schedule, if I am going out somewhere, or need to run an errand, is totally dependent on someone else being able to make time in their day to do it for me, or to take me there. And under all of this is the fact that I'm on some serious drugs, which make me really mellow, and make it really hard to think about things. I have a hard time focusing and have taken to writing everything down, just in case I forget later - like whether or not I took my pills. I suddenly can totally identify with my grandmother. It's terribly frustrating.

As if I needed any icing on my cake, I had to move out of my apartment last weekend. I was thankful to have a lot of help from family and friends, and the entire day was just a whirlwind for me. So all of my stuff is stacked up in my brother's garage (I'm moving into their spare room for a while), but I've been staying at my parents house since all this went down. I'd like to make some progress settling in over there, but like I said - if I want to go somewhere, that means someone has to have the time to take me. And if I'm going to be unpacking/sorting boxes, it would take someone who is capable of lifting/moving said boxes. So instead of trying to do any of that, I've taken to just standing around and crying out of helplessness. And then I put myself down for a nap. And wake up later. And I'm fine.

23 days since it happened. And this is where I am now. I was supposed to be on a plane, yesterday, going home to Nebraska for a week. God told me I wasn't supposed to take that trip, so two days before the car accident I started calling it off. And then this whole, world-shaking thing came down. I believe He knew where I'd be today - that I wouldn't be able to physically take the trip, that I'd be in the middle of a messy move, that I'd be tired, and angry, and frustrated, and sad about the way my life looks right now - that I'd be going insane with impatience about where I find myself in almost every area of my life. My home, my possessions, my car, my schedule, my work, my music, my body, my brain, my plans - everything is in pieces. Nothing has been untouched.

So where does this end? I don't know. I won't even know what I'm doing tomorrow until I wake up and see how bad I hurt that day. I just have to wait. There's nothing else I can do. Nothing can speed any of this up.

I guess I just need you to pray for me. I know it's messy, but just think of something, somehow, and ask God to send me some strength, or some peace, or some hope - because it's a little hard to fight for myself these days. A little help would be good.