Three More

I've got additions to the list of books I've read recently...

(It's been slow at work.)

Princess Academy by Shannon Hale - The cover, although slightly greenish yellow here, is a very appealing lilac in real life. I was first visually attracted to its smooth matte cover, and the fact that it's purple. I like purple. The story took me a while to get into, but I ended up liking it pretty well. I like that the main character's name is Miri, and the fact that she is a pretty normal girl with all the normal insecurities of adolescence. She figures a few things out, though. Or they figure her out. Either way, it presents an interesting perspective on spiritual interaction - describing how it feels to "sing from deep inside" and things like that. The mountain people (Miri's clan) are capable of a special kind of interaction called "quarryspeak" that has something to do with the linder stone in the earth where they live. They are able to communicate to one another in this special way, reminding me of what Madeline L'Engle called "kything" in her books. Anyway, I thought it was sort of interesting. Like how it feels to talk to God with your spirit. I see how adding this aspect of life to a fantasy novel adds a mystical dimension - but the cool part is it's appealing for one very clear reason. We're built to know how to reach out and press in with our spirits, to communicate with God. Cool.

The Tiger Rising by Kate DiCamillo - Figured I'd round out my DiCamillo reading. This is her skinny little book about a kid named Rob (clever) and his desperate need to find a way to grieve the death of his mother. Yes, there really is a tiger. Also, a girl named Sistine (after the chapel) and a prophetess and mention of rotten meat. Mmm. Again, first attracted to this book because of it's smooth matte cover, and rich earthtones. I like earthtones.


Fairy Dust and the Quest for the Egg by Gail Carson Levine - I just had to. I saw it fly off the shelves over Christmas, and I saw the release of 4 beginning chapter books (each named after a different Disney Fairy) and I saw all things "Tink" appear in stores around me. I always liked Peter Pan (watch Finding Neverland, people) so I thought...maybe...It took 99 pages to get a plot out there, and then it just sort of spun in circles for another 75. I have a sneaking suspicion that there will be another book...and I also have unhappy feelings about the title of this one. Disappointing! But pretty - there were some lovely watercolors to fold out of this attractive matte-finish-covered, aqua-colored book.

I am such a victim of marketing.

Books, lately

Well, in case anyone's interested, here's what I've read so far this year:

The Heavenly Man, by Brother Yun - Killer read. It took me a while to get through, because every chapter kicks you in the butt and makes you want to rethink your priorities or something. It's the autobiography of Yun's experience in the Chinese underground house church movement during the 80's and 90's. He was imprisoned and tortured multiple times, suffering physically and mentally - but thriving spiritually. He becomes the vessel for many physical miracles, just like the things you read about in the book of Acts. Sort of wakes you up to what is going on in a less cushy part of the world.

Facing the Wall, by Don Potter - Essential reading for worship leaders, I think.






Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller - Yeah, baby. I've mentioned this book before on my blog, and here it is again. It reminded me that there are whole pieces of me that never got unpacked after my cross-country move. This guy has a way of talking that feels like home to me. I am starting his second book, Searching for God Knows What, which I'm sure you'll hear more about.



Because of Winn Dixie, by Kate DiCamillo - The book came before the movie. A quick, feel good story about a kid and a dog, who bring together a little family of misfits. This led me to my next two books...





The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, by Kate DiCamillo - Edward is a china doll rabbit who is totally conceited. The book recounts his journey to discovering that he's been missing out by his inability to think of others - and that he has to learn to open his heart and love. I expect a movie out of this one sometime in the future...


The Tale of Desperaux, by Kate DiCamillo - Sort of a chivalry lesson for a mouse. Good characters, interesting narration. This one got the Newbery award. Go Kate D. I actually read this one on the recommendation of my 10 year old niece, Brooke, who's dream job I have. The fact that I get to look at kids books all day every day is thrilling to her. She is a major bookworm, and can hardly talk about anything else with me at the moment, so when she was reading it in school and frustrated because they couldn't take the book home to finish it, I heard about her peril, and bought her a copy. Read it - you'll like it.

Bone: Out from Boneville, by Jeff Smith - My first graphic novel! This is actually just the first volume (of seven, I think) of the series that came out in 1991, and is now being reprinted for young readers. Out from Boneville sets up the characters (yes, they are actually bones, a fact which is never directly addressed) and the landscape of their world - dragons, rat-creatures, humans, a village, a forest, talking bugs, a family of possums...


Bone: The Great Cow Race, by Jeff Smith - Read them in order, or they won't make any sense!






Bone: The Eyes of the Storm, by Jeff Smith - Did I mention that these are full-color printings? Beautiful and bright. Still think it's weird that the main character is a bone.

Sudoku

Do you Sudoku? I do. I bought a small green book full of the addictive puzzle at the airport last fall, just before they became all the rage. I have always enjoyed a good logic puzzle. And they do get easier the more you do them...but who cares about any of that.

What I do find interesting is the way in which I do them. I like the way they look before any mark has been made on the page - all clean and fresh. And I love beginning them. I don't, however, feel the need to stay glued to one until it is done. I just like to start them. Later, I enjoy finishing them, and starting a new one. That's the way I do sudoku - I finish one, start the next and go on with my life. Is that weird? Does anyone else do that?

It seems to say something about me - I like to start things and not finish them. The story of my life, I am ashamed to admit. Or maybe it's that I like to finish something and go on to the next. I don't know.

Maybe it's just a stupid puzzle, there to suck my free time out of my days. I have to keep going, though, until that little green book is done. Halfway there. And then I can go start a new one.

Little Ritual

I begin each day with a series of small motions that tell my brain it's time to wake up and go out into the world, not reset the alarm for another 20 minutes. I turn on my bedside lamp, throw off the covers, collect my empty water glass from the night before, turn off the alarm, unplug my cell phone from its charger, and march myself into the living room. Shower, clothes, makeup, shoes and exit. With any luck, I've left enough time to get coffee somewhere on the way to work. Pretty efficient.

So is it enough to have a system that works? I mean, is a morning routine really the best thing? I always hear the women in my life talk about better organization, better planning, laying things out the night before, making lists, thinking through things ahead of time, calculating, preparing. Things need to go smoothly. We hate being caught unaware, surprised by an unforeseen circumstance that we weren't ready for. "If I'd only known, I would have been able to plan better." There's a sense of urgency, to coordinate, gather resources, be responsible. It's all over the place. So where is it all going? What part of that is healthy?

And why do I hate surprises?

We are all just control freaks. It starts with the pony we wished for an never got. We learn that hoping doesn't help us, and actually makes it hurt worse when we are denied...So why even dream? Figure we could save ourselves some trouble and just go on living. In fact, we talk like we expect the opposite of happy surprises to happen in our lives - "Gee, with MY luck..." Pretty dismal. Sad, really.

When in fact, we're built to be the stubborn sapling that refuses to die the first time it feels winter and is stripped of all it's warmth and leaves. No, it thinks, surely there will be an end to this unhappy season. And come spring, it grows just a bit. It's a little deeper and wider. And if it holds on through its next winter, things just get better - more branches, more leaves - more receptors to enjoy the summer sun. Bad analogy? Maybe...

But I think it works, somehow. We are built to hope. Hope for Heaven, hope for a Redeemer to come and make sense out of all these longings and shortcomings...it's written all over us. We need it. And without any hope at all - without a vision - we'll shrivel up and die (metaphorically, I think - death on the inside?). So even though having hoped and been disappointed seriously sucks (believe me, I know), at least you know you're alive, and staying that way. It hurts, makes you feel like you just got stripped bare (see dorky analogy in previous paragraph), at least you are still there thinking, "I'm naked!" But you're also thinking, "I remember having leaves before...yes, there were leaves. I wonder, should I expect some of those to come in the future?" We always have that choice, I think, whether or not to hope.

Ok. (I really do have a thought here somewhere.)

I do hate surprises. But I think it's sad. I think we're meant to expect God to be the delighted Father he is, and lavish us with good stuff. Even some of the stuff we keep telling him we'd like. We should stop bracing ourselves for more disappointment, more pain. Stop expecting to be let down, and trust God to make the road safe for us - be it valleys or mountainsides. Some of each makes it a nice mix, I suppose. But we'll never get blown away with the joy of getting what we hoped for, if we never hope to begin with. I want that joy. I've had it a little, in life, but not enough. And it's my own dang fault. I don't hope, and I miss out on so much of that exciting time before the present comes (I hope it's a bike!!) because I don't want to "get my hopes up." What a horrible phrase.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm getting my hopes up.

So maybe my little daily routine is just another way of controlling for my circumstances - making sure there are as few surprises and possible. But how boring is that? I'm not made for that, and I know it.

Maybe tomorrow I'll mix it up.

I'll probably still take a shower though.

Nimble fingers

Hey, does anyone else feel like they're taking a typing test when they do the "word varification" in order to post a comment on here? It's like: jhjhjhjh fgfgfgfg jhfgjhfg

kikikiki dededede kidekidekide

lolololo swswswsw

lo sw

slow slow slow slow

Coffee, Panic, Outrage

There were two men at the next table over, while I was drinking my coffee and finishing the last few chapters of Blue Like Jazz today. These men were talking loudly enough to interrupt my ability to digest Don's words about living with hippies for a month in the woods; loud enough that I found myself starting the same page over and over again, mumbling what I read aloud to keep myself focused.

Finally I gave up on trying so hard, and let myself listen to what these guys were so animated about. From what I can tell, Guy 1 was sort of mentoring Guy 2. Guy 1 is married with a daughter - his wife called while he was there. He calls her "Honey" and complains about how he has to financially take care of his sick mother-in-law. He sounds a little bitter, maybe, but puts great importance on staying "positive" - and reassures himself (and everyone around him) of this verbally every 3 minutes.

The reason for this lunch meeting seems to be in honor of the fact that Guy 2 just got engaged in the past few days - maybe even just last night. Guy 2's panic continues to increase as lunch goes on - the more "positive" talk he hears from Guy 1, the more agitated he seems to get. He pulls his cell phone from his pocket and relays a voicemail from his new fiance aloud - she says she has some great ideas for the ceremony and thought they could look around online tonight and start the plans... Guy 2 says, "Jesus!" and goes into his verbal vomit about how she's just moving way too fast on all this, and he just wants to slow it down. Guy 1 says something like,
"Yeah, man, you opened the dam. No turning back now."

Guy 2 seems shocked and amazed that the woman he knew enough about to propose to has a whole room in her mind dedicated to future wedding plans. Guy 1 tells Guy 2 that this is not surprising, and that most women, it turns out, have that same room - that it's added to over the course of their lives. "This has been, like, 9 years in coming, man," Guy 1 says, shaking his head, amused. Guy 2 then reads a text message from his new fiance (which, he notes out loud that he didn't bother to respond to) about how he should call her father and ask for his permission to marry her. This sends Guy 2 into a tizzy. He is dumbfounded, and cannot find the ground beneath him in any of this.

Guy 1 launches into a confusing lecture on how Guy 2 needs to just let her have this time, not try to squash her excitement, just go with the flow, man. "Just keep saying, 'Yes, dear...yes, dear...whatever you want, dear,' and wait it out." All-knowing Guy 1 tells his green friend that it will all be worth it later, that seeing his daughter smile means the world to him, and that honesty, in the end, will be the best policy. (Changing his mind?) He tells Guy 2 that he should be straight with his fiance - tell her how he's really feeling.

This is what Guy 1 suggests as an opening line to the conversation where Guy 2 tries to get his poor fiance (who by the way, is thrilled because she thinks Guy 2 is the love of her life and wants to marry her and is just as excited as she is to get moving on plans for their future happiness, beginning very obviously with the details of their big day since he gave her a ring and finally she can open the door to the Wedding Room in her brain) : "Look, I don't mean to rain on your thunder..."

I kid you not. I thought I had misheard him - but he just kept saying it. "I'm not trying rain on your thunder, but...I mean, not to rain on your thunder or anything..." This is what Guy 1, in all his splendor and knowledge on how to affect things positively around him, thinks that Guy 2 should use in an attempt to soften the blow of his steamroller to her feminine glory as an eager bride.

God help you, Guy 2. You're about to lose several things you might wish you had been able to enjoy later.

And Guy 1? You are an idiot. Hate to rain on your thunder, man, but you've got a hole in your bucket.

The whole thing just triggered me. I mean, do men not understand that engagement is not just the obligatory next step in a relationship, but in fact the license she's been waiting for to let loose her hopes and dreams into the real world? Do all guys panic like this with their buddies the day after they pop the question? What on earth do they think they're doing, acting like they are happy when really they are paralyzed with fear and the need to avoid voicemails and text messages from the woman they just told they wanted to spend the rest of their days on earth with? Please, say it's not so.

I refuse to believe that this scenario is the norm. And by that I mean that I choose to remind myself that I've known scads of lovesick bachelors, more eager to get to the altar than even their bride seems to be, outwardly. Yeah, I figure everyone faces doubt as the gravity of the marriage covenant sinks to the bottom of your gut - but I would think that the joy of everything to do with hopes fulfilled would far outweigh those minor interruptions in wonderland.

But what do I know??

Fortune 500

I am reading a book by Donald Miller called Blue Like Jazz, and enjoying it. I've been falling asleep with my face in it, and spending every spare minute trying to get through another few pages. It's that interesting to me. Maybe it's just that it's the right season for that book and I to be interacting. Weird, because I bought the book at least a year ago, and have tried to read it multiple times before with no success - I just couldn't get into it. Now, though - now is the time.

It's not that Donald Miller is such an incredible writer. I mean, I enjoy his writing, but I'm positive there are many who won't. It's like reading a blog, I suppose - a bunch of his stories and thoughts separated by chapter headings once in a while. He talks about his journey, the people he's met, things he's experienced, doubts and struggles he's having. He makes me remember that it's good to be awake and alive - good to know you're flawed like everyone else, and you waste your breath trying to sound like you aren't. He writes what everyone's been thinking and afraid to spit out. And he talks about how it's been in this realness that he's finally been able to walk in God's love - to receive it and love him back because of it. How can we ever experience grace until we let the love of Jesus smash up against our humanity? Patching things up before we invite him in never let's him accomplish what he was coming in to do. I think he wants us to see ourselves - and then see ourselves in his eyes.

I was talking to Heidi recently about a revelation I was having about beauty. (This isn't going where you think it's going - I'm not going to write about whether or not, on any given day, I think I'm beautiful. I do, by the way, think I'm beautiful - or at least I'm coming to believe it as a direct result of what I'm about to say.)

I remember a wedding I went to about 7 years ago...two people who were slightly older than me in college, people that were in the same campus ministry I was in. Everyone knew who they were - thought they were a great example of how it (all of it) should be done. And it's true - there was always a purity about the two of them. I recall seeing them walk into my favorite coffee shop (the Mill - www.millcoffee.com) and observing their interactions with each other and with their friends, in the days and weeks before their wedding. I liked them. I thought it was sickeningly sweet, but I liked the fact that they glowed about each other. I wondered if I would get a taste of that someday, if I would have someone in my life who would watch me and smile when I wasn't looking, someone to get me more napkins when I spilled my coffee because the base of the table was tippy, somebody to get down on the floor and stuff some notebook paper under it so it would be steady for me to lean on. Then I would realize I was definitely staring and should get back to my homework. But it makes it really hard to concentrate when love is in the room.

Even though I wasn't directly in their circle of friends at the time, they knew I was a cellist and she wanted strings at her wedding. I had a quartet, and needed the money. So I went - and I must have played because I got paid - but the only thing I can remember from that day was the bride. I remember seeing her in the hallway of the church before the ceremony started - and she was stunning. Her dress, her hair, all of it - it was like something out of a movie. She was beautiful. And that's the thing about it - she is, very obviously, beautiful in real life. It's not like it was the dress. But I can't explain to you what I saw that day - I couldn't even put words together to say anything to her. She was totally lit up - totally, breathtakingly beautiful. And the image of it is ingrained in my mind. I can't forget it.

Somebody says, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I've heard that. I thought I knew what it meant too. It's like saying, "Well, I don't think your shitzu is that cute, but if to you she is, then ok." It applies what is generally thought to be true about the nature of beauty - that it's subjective, dependent upon each person's opinion and taste. False on both accounts. True beauty isn't subjective, and that isn't what the saying means.

I heard a speaker once that talked about the "three transcendentals" - three concepts that are true for all people at all times. He said the first is Truth. There are things that are, things that are not, and our lack of knowledge doesn't change the things that we aren't aware of being real. The second, he said, is Goodness. There is a right and wrong, good and evil. Not hard for those with a Christian world view to connect with. And the third, Beauty. This is where it gets a little challenging - we have probably accepted the fact that there is such a thing as Truth and Goodness which are not subjective but based on the Word of God. But Beauty? We still like to think we can throw that word around and latch it onto whatever we like - or whatever you like, even if I don't like it. You think that painting is beautiful? Fine. But I don't agree. My perception of beauty doesn't have to be the same as yours. It's your opinion.

I think we've got that wrong. I agree with the rest of that speaker's lecture - and if anyone would like to hear it, I bought the tape. I knew even then (8 years ago?) that he was saying something profound - something I didn't quite have the fullness of yet. He said that we can know Truth, because God is Truth, and Goodness because God is Good. When we come to know God, we begin to run into these things - we begin to weigh what is in the world around us by these measures - is it true? Is it good? But we have forgotten that the initiator of all real Beauty is God himself. And I believe we can train our hearts and minds to know it when we see it - indeed, we'll find that when we dust ourselves off a bit, we do this pretty naturally. I've seen sunsets that made me cry. I've been giddy with excitement at the sight of the mountains, the ocean, walked for hours just to get away from ambient noise and hear the trickle of a stream in stillness, and been totally speechless looking out over a waterfall so powerful you feel the earth shaking before you can see or hear any water. We are made to respond to this - to recognize and be thrilled by beauty. You know it when you want to join it - be a part of it. Run through the field of wildflowers, climb the mountain, paint the sunset, take a picture of a view so wide no camera could do it justice - but we try anyway. Why? Because we want it. We know we are made for these moments - something in us wakes up.

John Hodges (the aforementioned speaker) described this "waking up" by explaining it's connection to the Creation, and the Fall. Adam and Eve were in the garden - paradise. Perfection in every way - walking with God, talking to him face to face, all joy and pleasure, knowing and known. And then it was broken - a wall built between mankind and God, between us and perfection. All this time, and we still haven't forgotten - deep in our bellies we know we are made for something more. We yearn for it. We can't even name what it is half the time, but we are faced with a deep longing when we are alone. God wants us to be reminded. He wants us to remember what we were made for - walking with him - talking to him face to face, joy, pleasure, perfection in every sense of the word. So he reveals it to us, just for a moment - pulls back the curtain between us and eternal paradise just long enough for our hearts to race with excitement and our minds to grasp for comprehension...and then poof. It's gone as quick as it came, and we're left there panting, trying to describe what can't be spoken, trying to fathom how we can go on without whatever we just experienced.

"For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse." (Romans 1:20)

So is He beautiful? I don't think that any Believer of the Gospel would hesitate to call beauty one of His "invisible attributes" which evidence themselves in Creation. He is Beautiful. Divinely Beautiful. He can't help it - it's who he is, and it's how he moves, and it's what he does. He makes all things Beautiful.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

He makes all things Beautiful, and has put eternity is in our hearts - so we'd recognize and remember who we are.

So here's what I think about beauty being "in the eye of the beholder." The statement is actually true, when you understand that it's commenting not on the beholder, but the object of the beholder's gaze. Something beautiful makes a reflection of that beauty shine in the eyes of the one admiring the beauty. It's in their eyes - you see the reflection of beauty "in the eye of the beholder." The bride I talked about before? She was gloriously beautiful. But she was glowing and beautiful before that day - it's just that I saw it intensified that day. And you know what I think that is? It's the same thing I've seen on every bride who loves Jesus that I've watched walk down the aisle since then - it's the reflection of Love. She is made beautiful by his love.

We are made beautiful, Bride, by His Love. When our gaze is on him, we reflect the Beauty of God, his Love, his purposes and plans, his joy in his creation, his delight in our attention and affection, our offering ourselves. And when people see our faces when our hearts are fixed on Him, we look different - we shine. We are beautiful. But it's not our own beauty - it's really His Beauty.

Amazing.

For googles sake!

Ladies and Gentlemen - I give you Heidi Carpenter.