Coffee, Panic, Outrage

There were two men at the next table over, while I was drinking my coffee and finishing the last few chapters of Blue Like Jazz today. These men were talking loudly enough to interrupt my ability to digest Don's words about living with hippies for a month in the woods; loud enough that I found myself starting the same page over and over again, mumbling what I read aloud to keep myself focused.

Finally I gave up on trying so hard, and let myself listen to what these guys were so animated about. From what I can tell, Guy 1 was sort of mentoring Guy 2. Guy 1 is married with a daughter - his wife called while he was there. He calls her "Honey" and complains about how he has to financially take care of his sick mother-in-law. He sounds a little bitter, maybe, but puts great importance on staying "positive" - and reassures himself (and everyone around him) of this verbally every 3 minutes.

The reason for this lunch meeting seems to be in honor of the fact that Guy 2 just got engaged in the past few days - maybe even just last night. Guy 2's panic continues to increase as lunch goes on - the more "positive" talk he hears from Guy 1, the more agitated he seems to get. He pulls his cell phone from his pocket and relays a voicemail from his new fiance aloud - she says she has some great ideas for the ceremony and thought they could look around online tonight and start the plans... Guy 2 says, "Jesus!" and goes into his verbal vomit about how she's just moving way too fast on all this, and he just wants to slow it down. Guy 1 says something like,
"Yeah, man, you opened the dam. No turning back now."

Guy 2 seems shocked and amazed that the woman he knew enough about to propose to has a whole room in her mind dedicated to future wedding plans. Guy 1 tells Guy 2 that this is not surprising, and that most women, it turns out, have that same room - that it's added to over the course of their lives. "This has been, like, 9 years in coming, man," Guy 1 says, shaking his head, amused. Guy 2 then reads a text message from his new fiance (which, he notes out loud that he didn't bother to respond to) about how he should call her father and ask for his permission to marry her. This sends Guy 2 into a tizzy. He is dumbfounded, and cannot find the ground beneath him in any of this.

Guy 1 launches into a confusing lecture on how Guy 2 needs to just let her have this time, not try to squash her excitement, just go with the flow, man. "Just keep saying, 'Yes, dear...yes, dear...whatever you want, dear,' and wait it out." All-knowing Guy 1 tells his green friend that it will all be worth it later, that seeing his daughter smile means the world to him, and that honesty, in the end, will be the best policy. (Changing his mind?) He tells Guy 2 that he should be straight with his fiance - tell her how he's really feeling.

This is what Guy 1 suggests as an opening line to the conversation where Guy 2 tries to get his poor fiance (who by the way, is thrilled because she thinks Guy 2 is the love of her life and wants to marry her and is just as excited as she is to get moving on plans for their future happiness, beginning very obviously with the details of their big day since he gave her a ring and finally she can open the door to the Wedding Room in her brain) : "Look, I don't mean to rain on your thunder..."

I kid you not. I thought I had misheard him - but he just kept saying it. "I'm not trying rain on your thunder, but...I mean, not to rain on your thunder or anything..." This is what Guy 1, in all his splendor and knowledge on how to affect things positively around him, thinks that Guy 2 should use in an attempt to soften the blow of his steamroller to her feminine glory as an eager bride.

God help you, Guy 2. You're about to lose several things you might wish you had been able to enjoy later.

And Guy 1? You are an idiot. Hate to rain on your thunder, man, but you've got a hole in your bucket.

The whole thing just triggered me. I mean, do men not understand that engagement is not just the obligatory next step in a relationship, but in fact the license she's been waiting for to let loose her hopes and dreams into the real world? Do all guys panic like this with their buddies the day after they pop the question? What on earth do they think they're doing, acting like they are happy when really they are paralyzed with fear and the need to avoid voicemails and text messages from the woman they just told they wanted to spend the rest of their days on earth with? Please, say it's not so.

I refuse to believe that this scenario is the norm. And by that I mean that I choose to remind myself that I've known scads of lovesick bachelors, more eager to get to the altar than even their bride seems to be, outwardly. Yeah, I figure everyone faces doubt as the gravity of the marriage covenant sinks to the bottom of your gut - but I would think that the joy of everything to do with hopes fulfilled would far outweigh those minor interruptions in wonderland.

But what do I know??